The Imperious Parent
If you work in a private international school or independent school in USA or UK, you know these families. They exert undue influence on their children’s education by pressuring teachers and administration for placement in or out of a particular teacher’s classroom or course, resisting intervention conversations, sending excessive, aggressive emails (usually late at night), or exhibiting abusive behavior about grades. They’re well-known bullies and teachers dread being scheduled with their kids.
This is not an indictment of the vast majority of private school parents, just the ones who imprint their own imperious view of success onto their child’s learning journey.
The sense of entitlement and bullying behavior is mentally exhausting for teachers, counselors, and administrators, often derailing the social contract between home and school. Underlying all is the power imbalance and pressure teachers could lose their position because a board member, a relative of the owner, or a well-connected host country national is irrationally upset.
During a beginning-of-year Parent Night, I was stopped in a busy stairwell by a parent angry because her child’s middle school Health teacher announced her pregnancy. “How dare the teacher be so selfish? My child’s education is at stake!”
Schools own some of this inappropriate parental behavior. Why? We condone it.
Our schools are desired by wealthy, entitled families precisely because we perpetuate the current social and economic system, not because we offer a new perspective on education that embraces equity, inclusion, and well-being.
At high school graduations, attendees scan the program counting the acceptances to the Ivies or top UK universities for proof the school meets community expectations.
We prominently place the same old legacy education data like college placements and external exam results alongside website pronouncements on how much we value “creativity” and “innovation.” (Note: Here is where schools usually insert images of a maker space, robotics competition, or students’ harvesting a garden but not students taking tests.) These parents don’t care and are even fearful of efforts to innovate or develop student creativity. They care most about their child’s grades and test results. “The school needs more academic rigor!”
In this article, psychologists and authors Robert Evans and Michael G. Thompson state: “Many factors contribute to the rise in bullying among parents. Three stand out: an epidemic of anxiety; a culture of competitiveness and loneliness in the upper-middle class; and a failure on the part of school administrators to recognize when they are dealing with personality disorders.”
What Can Schools Do?
Leadership courage.
The saying goes, “This is what the administration gets paid the big bucks for.” Leaders must insert themselves between school personnel and difficult parents. No teacher or counselor should bear this burden alone. No one thrives without psychological safety.
Reflect on foundational questions.
Are we honoring our mission? What does our school value most? What is quality education? Are we a community of respect and collaboration? Has our school publicly recognized the institutional stress we place on students and are we doing something about it? How will we find out the answers to the questions?
Deemphasize college placements and external exam results.
Highlighting these results provides fuel for imperious parents. Give prominent space to sharing data on inclusivity efforts, wellness surveys, and digging in on helping students build healthy relationships. Move legacy data to the back page.
Best Fit College Guidance
Thoughtful, student-centered high school counseling departments strive for “best fit” higher education choices, but it’s an uphill climb with some parents and the institution itself. This should be an integral part of the overall communication process led by the school administration.
Highlight Alumni
Not just the very few that are accepted at highly rejective institutions. Highlight alumni in service professions, thriving in lesser-known universities, or taking a gap year. “A gap year? Not my kid!”
Community Code of Conduct
Introduce community relationship expectations in the new student application process, reinforce again in new parent orientations, and require check-off for yearly re-enrollment. It is a privilege, not a right, to be part of a community of mutual respect and consideration for others, where we openly support and celebrate whole child development. If you need to ban a parent from campus for bad behavior, should they remain a member of the school community? After all, they have already agreed to be respectful community members as part of the re-enrollment process.
Educate the community
This is what we’re good at. Educating does not stop at the classroom door but is embedded in all our communications. Provide information on best fit practices and healthy relationships, publicly support counselors and teachers, and reduce website legacy bragging.
Not only do we all know imperious parents but we also know their children suffer as a result. There are zero university placements worth a mental breakdown. Zero.